How dare you lie to me!?

I was reading through my journal recently and a lot of my entries from 2016 til now are centered around the thought of me being less than or inadequate and that kind of made me sad. Not in a way where I agreed with my writings but to know that I’ve been crippled by this fear of not being good enough for so long.

So flash forward a bit, I was in church recently. (There was only 9 of us, all socially distant.) I was there to lead worship and I sang a solo. Following singing the solo, I received compliments and just genuine love poured into me as a result of me using my voice to invite the presence of Holy Spirit.

However, in the moment of hearing all these nice things and experiencing Gods presence, I still couldn’t believe the “you sounded great” or “you’re so annointed for this” comments. I was hearing these things from trusted people: My pastor, First Lady, worship team leader. Like people I trust and believe with anything else. People I confidently go to to guide me. But in this moment, it was like I couldn’t trust what they were saying because it was hard to believe it was true. All I could think about is how I wasn’t breathing correctly while singing.

Later in the day, I was thinking over how I felt in that moment and I thought to myself, ‘THAT’S IT!’ I decided it was time that I stopped listening to my thoughts. Because at times, they can’t be trusted. They lie. And I ain’t finna believe a mind full of lies.

“The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was not believe my thoughts.” -Cordelia Paris

I’ve been launching this website/blog since the beginning of 2020 and now here we are. It’s July! But it’s cool. I’m feeling fear. Still moving forward. Cancelling all of the lies planted in my head by the enemy that say I’m not good enough.

I share this, not for sympathy. Not for compliments. I’m fire! I know this. I’m sharing this and all pieces so that if one person reads this and decides to stop trusting the lies in their head, my job is done.

Cordelia Paris