“I love you” he said. “You’re beautiful” he said. All words, she allowed to compensate for the love she had missed out on. And she thought to herself, “Wow, he loves me” or “he really likes me”. It was validation she had never known. Of course, she heard before from her mother, that she was beautiful, pretty and loved but never from a man. So there you have it, a little boy tells her she’s beautiful and she believes it. Or even worse, a grown man tells her these things. But after all, this is a different type of love, different type of attention than that of her mother’s. I mean, a mother is supposed to love her daughter, she’s supposed to say she’s beautiful and nice. Plus, it’s just different when “he” says it. It’s almost as if she becomes a slave to the “I love you’s” and all other empty compliments, she falls deeper for them each time. All the while bitterness and angst resides in her heart from constantly trying to use those empty compliments to fill a void; a void empty from a love she has never known, the love of a father. Questions, she’d often ask herself, “why doesn’t he love me?”, “what did I do wrong?”, “I mean, what kind of person doesn’t love their kid?”, or maybe, I ruined his life but doesn’t he know, he’s ruining mine.” Why didn’t he and my mom think before they had me? “You know, I hate him.”
Sad story right, not mine but one I hear too often from other daddy-less daughters. A story I’ve heard one too many times. Not one that I could judge because although it isn’t mine, I understand. I know what it’s like to long for a father’s embrace, to simply long for a father’s love. It sounds cliché, but a father is really a girls first love and without him, daughters can easily get swayed by the evils of this world to look elsewhere for love. It sucks, growing up without a father, you don’t know what you don’t know.
Now here comes my story and the purpose of this post, my story of forgiveness.
My father left before I was born. Not quite sure why but I guess it was from feelings of overwhelmth or the nervousness associated with having a child with someone who he wasn’t married. Whatever the reason, I’m neither mad or angry anymore, I know I was purposed to experience all that I’ve experienced. Throughout my life, he made enough appearances for me to form a sort of idolization of the idea of having a father. These “enough appearances” were actually very few, about 3 or 4 before I reached the age of 12. I remember being a child and making up stories about my father’s job and experiences we had just to make the idea of having him present that more real. I’d tell these stories to my friends at school. And as a child I was naive, I didn’t know to hate or despise him, actually in my young eyes, he was a great man. But the older I got, the more I thought I knew. I became angry and bitter. I guess I learned to hate. At the age of 11, I was completely hurt and over it all. I felt betrayed and in a sense I felt silly for all of the fantasies I had in wishes of having a relationship with my father prior. I was hurt bad, serious heart issues. But thank God for changing my heart.
Mid-post disclaimer: This in no way a hate post or a document to publicly bash my father but to tell a story of forgiveness, from hate to love. I know my father and at 22 years old, I have nothing but love for him. This is MY truth!
In July of 2007, I was 12 years old and I was attending a church convention called AIM through the Church Of God In Christ Inc. Shoutouts to my mother for always keeping me in church, taking me places with the church, ultimately giving me the exposure and the freedom to experience God for myself. But back to the story.
It was the third night of the convention when my life and perspective changed FOREVER! Sounds dramatic, I know but it’s true, it’s my truth. I remember that night, I was singing in the choir, I met some friends and when it was time for the message, we went and sat in the audience up front so we could pay close attention. Being that the message has truly always been my favorite part of service, it was only right. Well this particular night, the preacher didn’t preach, he didn’t have a text from the bible or a good COGIC squeal, hoop or holla, he simply told his testimony. He literally had a moment of vulnerability with hundreds, if not thousands of people. (And to think, I was scared to even write this). His testimony spoke of the power of forgiveness. He had recently lost a loved one who was murdered and he was angry about it but God laid on his heart the importance of forgiving the murderer. He said something that will always stick with me “As long as you don’t forgive those who do wrong against you, that person(s) will always have power over you”. I immediately thought on how angry I was with my father, how I hated him and simply how much energy it took for to be angry and bitter. Can you imagine being 12 and harboring so much negativity in your heart? Wasn’t fun for me, neither was it healthy. That night I made a conscious decision to forgive my father and to let go all of the hate I had for him. I knew it wasn’t right and I didn’t want my situation to have power over me, I didn’t want to be held hostage by things I couldn’t control. At the age of 12, overcome with tears, I mean, the “ugly cry” which were tears of relief, even tears of happiness, I forgave my father. At that moment, I didn’t know that the forgiveness would be an ongoing process, I just knew I was serious. I didn’t know that I’d have to renew that forgiveness again at age 21. But as a little girl, 12 years old who swore, she was grown, I made a grownup decision, and forgave. And I gave all the past hurt to God and trusted that He’d fill that void, He was already my father in Heaven so I trusted Him to be my Daddy here on earth as well.
Even now as I write this, I’m reminded how important it is to forgive those who wrong you and how God literally leads by example, forgiving us over and over for our careless and senseless acts against Him. Surely I can forgive people too, not an easy task but I can do it and you can too. As people, it’s literally our duty to love others as Christ loves and that includes forgiveness.
Well with the new mindset I developed at 12 years old, I continued on throughout highschool and throughout college. I can admit that at times, it was hard. Being a young girl without a present father can be very sad, feelings of rejection, you can relate more than one should have to. And just not having a father to teach you certain things, makes you feel that you don’t know what you don’t know. Dating and simply forming relationships with men are new territory and at times for me honestly uncomfortable. As recently, as this year at age 21, I learned that forgiveness was an ongoing process because as a young woman who one day hopes to meet, court and marry the man God has for me, I know, I cannot hold grudges against my father for not teaching me the things I should know. I can’t start a life in the future bad mouthing my father as those bad habits can turn to me bad mouthing the husband of my future to my future children.
This past Father’s Day brought back childhood feelings of bitterness and rejection; crazy right? (Literally all a trick of the enemy) 10 years later, I found myself in a situation similar to 11-year-old me who was sad and this led to a bit of anger. In moments of anger, I’d question “why me?”, “why does it have to be me to be the strong person?” but I was reminded of a question I always counter ask myself, “why not me?”. I was reminded that even when I’m not strong, God is strong for me. Who’s to say that I would have learned forgiveness, perseverance and ultimately to trust God without my experiences. Actually there’s no one to say because, it was through God that I learned all of this. In everything, there is purpose and there was and is purpose in my pain.
See here’s a fact, forgiveness is bigger than the situation, than the hurt caused by other people, it’s looking pass all that and not holding grudges. This doesn’t mean to forget, but to let go.It’s giving yourself control over you. It’s not letting your emotions control. On the counterpart, it’s letting God control you, it’s giving Him your emotions and letting him create a clean slate on your heart. Forgiveness became more than a lesson learned from the absence of my father but a lesson so much bigger than that. Here’s another fact that I’m sure no one likes, people will hurt you, they will do wrong against you but it isn’t up to you to retaliate or hold their wrongs against them. Learning forgiveness in such a tough situation taught me a new level of strength; to not be a product of my situation. Please don’t read this wrong, I’m not saying to let people do you wrong and let them take advantage of you. But FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU, it heals you. The hypothetical story I used to start this piece is often one told from young fatherless daughters that feel there is no other way and subconsciously depend on the love of another to fill a void. But the truth is, only Jesus’ love can fill that void allowing you to forgive and giving you the wisdom to maintain.
Dear Daddyless Daughter,
You are truly beautiful. You are a remarkable young woman. Your strength is impeccable. I want you to know that you are worth love, you’re worthy of happiness, you are worthy of unconditional no strings attached love. You are not your circumstances and I don’t want you to allow yourself to be held hostage to your situation. Just like me, you were purposed for your experiences. Regardless of how you responded to them or whether you responded at all, your experiences were for you to learn and grow. You don’t have to settle in life for empty compliments neither do you have to be guarded and heartless. You won’t always be strong, sometimes you’ll wish that you simply could know a father’s embrace but God can literally step in and be that fatherly embrace. God is the father of all fathers, His love is a love greater than any other. I want you to know that nothing is your fault. Daddyless daughter, you are greatness and a overcomer. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, God gives you all that you need to survive. There is purpose in your pain just as there was purpose in mine; and mine today is simply to tell you about forgiveness.Love,
Daddyless Daughter
I solute all active fathers and parents in general. It’s not an easy task to raise a child but you’re doing it which makes you an amazing individual. Lastly, I will end this post Thanking God. Through Him, I can forgive. I can forgive my father, I can forgive my enemies, I even have the power to forgive myself. Not solely on my own strength and knowledge but through the knowledge and grace of God. I dare not tell my story and belittle His part in my life. It was through Christ Jesus I could forgive. Through Him, I can live a life without bitterness in my heart. Through Him, I learn all the things that I don’t know. Through Christ Jesus, I am all that I am which is no one but a sinner saved by grace. I read a post recently where someone said that they couldn’t trust the words of a believer of Christ Jesus and the bible. I made sure to put this at the end, in hopes that you who read this will see God even through my post.
Cordelia Paris is Optimistically Maverick
CordeliaParis 